Manifesting the Woman You Want to Be

For the past three years, I have undergone what our generation has begun to call ‘an awakening’. I’d call it a glow-up, but in my resistance to oversell myself, I’d call it a time of solitude, self-understanding, and actualization.

It started with a heartbreak, as most awakenings tend to. A tragedy of the soul, a sharp and lasting pain of some kind that catapults you out of your comfort zone and establishes you into the uncomfortable land of personal power and dealing with your shit.

With no particular timeline in my mind, I would call it a circular, zig-zagging, maze-like journey that takes you into places where you’re afraid of the dark, where you hesitate from authentic self-expression, where you cower from the judgements of others.

For many years, I wanted to be one thing: the bohemian woman who tells her truth, and who lives unapologetically and outside of society’s conventions. I saw it in the woman I looked up to: Erykah Badu, Angelina Jolie, Marilyn Monroe, Alice Walker. Courageous women who wrote what they like, said what they wanted to say, and dressed however they damn well pleased.

And for so long, I didn’t know how to get there. Where did I start? With my clothing of choice, with the way I wore my hair, with the perfume I bought? It can all seem so superficial at first, but when you have this goddess that lives in your mind - whether she’s in six-inch heels, tattoos down her arm, or cat eye makeup - that is calling you to embody her, it becomes so, so meaningful.

Because often, this goddess will call for more of you to come into alignment with her. Not just with the way you look, but with the attitude you want to face life with. Who do you want to be, when you step out into the world? What do you want your name to stand for?

I cannot say what exactly catalysed my journey into becoming the emancipated Amazonian woman at peace with the earth who dwells in my consciousness; only that I didn’t want to live my life in fear and estrangement anymore. I wanted what I said to be important, to be significant; I wanted to leave an impression on others that would last for many years to come; I wanted my empire to be a thing of fierceness and ambition. I wanted to bloom, to unravel into a rainbow of colour.

I wouldn’t say I’ve yet to achieve all that, but every day, I try to uncover more of that deity, more of that wonder woman, more of that divine feminine.

It looks different for all of us. Some are striving to be beautifully graceful; some long for prominence and acknowledgement; some look toward the promise of embracing their dark side. To be nurturing, to be respected, to be wildish. Femininity lies on this inexplicably gorgeous spectrum, yours for the pickings. But how do you get there?

I cannot say I’ve mastered the woman I am trying to become, but I’ve learned a few lessons in walking in my authentic womanhood.

1. Think of all the women you grew up wanting to embody. For me, it’s been Michelle Obama, the late Dr Maya Angelou, CBI Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon from The Mentalist, and actress Zoe Kravitz. All these women signify to me ambition, independence, and holding one’s own. None of these women dress or look the same, but they all give out one essence: women who roar.

2. Pay attention to what you’re wearing when you feel the most yourself. Then pay attention to what you’re wearing when you feel your most attractive. Are they coherent, or do you experience a cognitive dissonance between how you perceive yourself, and how you perceive beauty?

3. Look around at all you have - your favourite novels, your wardrobe, the clutter of your room. Do they all tell a story? Maybe your belongings tell you that you’re kind and sentimental. Maybe they tell you that you’re focused and goal-oriented. How can you weave all these stories into a singular experience that energise the way you understand yourself?

4. Listen to what moves you. Is it meditation and spirituality; is it the great outdoors? Do you find yourself most liberated when you’re out dancing with friends? Lean into what you resonate with, and find out how you can bring that specific thing or set of things into your everyday living and self-expression.

5. Observe how you react to things - to circumstances, to conflict and people and change. Are you inclined toward rationality and common sense, or imagination and playfulness? Would you like to be more outspoken and radical, or embracing and forgiving? Then imagine yourself reacting to those things the way you want to. Practice your opinions out loud when you’re alone in anticipation of sharing your views more often. Practice compassion on someone who’s fucked up a little to encourage tenderness and unconditional love.

6. Imagine being acknowledged by any of the women that you aspire to be like. What would you want them to say about you, about what you’ve accomplished, about who you are?

7. Think about the times you’ve ever been told a lie about yourself, or the times people have used your attributes to insult you or bring you down. Has anyone told you that you were being irrational when you were really just expressing your feelings? Has anyone told you that you’re a workaholic because you’re ambitious and hardworking? Have you ever been told that you’re being a tease when you’re simply inclined to banter and confidence? Or that you’re too much when you’re only just being yourself? Turn those negative perceptions into things that are true, honest, positive, and uplift you every morning.

8. Listen to yourself when you respond to another woman out of envy or the feeling of being threatened. What are you threatened by in her? What are you envious of that which she has and you do not? Is it her softness? Is it her drive? Transmute your jealousy into energy put into cultivating those things within yourself.

9. Internalise quotes and phrases that inspire your femininity, and listen to what they’re saying. Do they talk about being more open to love, or being powerful, or being a good Samaritan? Incorporate those phrases and turn them into affirmations.

None of this is to say to change who you are, but rather, to tap into what you’ve yet to embody. Women are such full, all-encompassing creatures - so much so that we have been called overcomplicated and contradictory, but I don’t believe this is the case. What we are is nuanced, and once you have revealed those nuances to yourself, and are able to express them in any and every way possible, you will see parts of you that are so interconnected, like constellations of a moonlit sky. And you will question how anyone thought you were ever so senseless or irrational in the first place. All of you makes sense. Every single hair, mole, freckle.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve yet been able to look myself in the mirror and totally recognise myself - my truest self - but I’m getting there. Day by day, I’m uncovering parts of my femininity that make so much sense, that are so holistic and coherent and powerful; and day by day, I’m growing stronger into the woman I want to be. Into the woman I hope to be. Into the woman that, beneath it all, I already am becoming.

Become the woman you are. Manifest her into something only you could, because you can.